If you have visited this space before, you have borne witness to this tempestuous mind. So much of what has been contemplated aloud is reflective of a strange and pervasive dichotomy: a desperate need to hold contrasting ideas equally, one in each hand, so that what remains might be whole. On one side is the darkness and despondency of death; and in the other the fragile expectancy of life, of hope renewed. To deny either would create a false sense of contentment, it would tear apart the richness of redemption.
In this series, Shame Undone, I have offered an invitation to journey with me in this discovery of wholeness. I have asked that there is room to hold both life and death to be true, to allow them to coexist; I have expressed a need for allowing repentance and temptation to be separate. To be okay with being human, imperfect. What I have yet to address are factors of my own discomfort, which I believe belong here in this series on shame; a byproduct of my own wrestling with Will. And so, I dare ask the question, “Does God discipline?”
Perhaps this is little more than a feeble attempt to make right things in my life that don’t make sense, or maybe it is more…either way the truth is that I experience stress, circumstantial depression, anxiety, chaos…brokenness. Deep and varying emotions that I think God ultimately uses to bring to light the parts of me that need correction.
This is also true: not every hard thing, not every bout of isolation, desolation, or desperation is a discipline. Sometimes, life just sucks. People choose (And are thrown into) antagonistic behaviors in their own insecurity and pain that ultimately hurt others. The ripple effect from their choices unfairly displaces those around them.
How do we possibly know the difference between a holy discipline, and the pain of another’s sin? How long must we suffer in either?
I’ll start by saying something that is unpopular, I have a great need for the Holy Spirit to translate and mediate my brokenness. I can make excuses, look for an alleviation of guilt and pain, and place blame anywhere I want (Becoming that antagonist), but so long as I am choosing my own way, stress and chaos will reign.
Maybe that is a way to isolate one from the other: asking if it is stress or trauma that is felt. Learning and training in discernment is key, spend time with Jesus.
The tragic circumstances that come from external, uncontrollable actions of others are not discipline. You are not suffering at the hands of another because you are bad, or needing more Jesus. My God is not spiteful, although he can use these impossible situations to lead to a deeper connection with him (Genesis 50:20), it requires a turning to face Jesus, pain, discomfort, joy, and all.
There is no health and wealth gospel here, (Sorry prosperity followers!), my God makes no such promises on Earth. The promise of a better life, of healing from pain, of safety and of security? This is a higher calling, a kingdom perspective. ‘In this world you will have pain and suffering,’ and eventually you will find peace in heaven, in soul.
I have not arrived at wholeness, I bear deep scars. The discipline that I have experienced, the strain, anxiety, and worry that I have felt…it has created an anchoring of my soul; a humming in my mind that exists even in the midst of the days that I lay prostrate and crying in utter misery for relief. Of wanting death to come (I am human), I see my Jesus kneeling beside me.
If nothing else, who am I to assume that my pain and suffering is dependent on my actions? I can no sooner make the grass blue. I choose not to bear the weight of the world, it’s not my job. No, I suffer stress and chaos, anxiety and worry when I am leading with selfish-ness and that is something I can address.
Read more in my Shame Series: Shame Undone