I am resilient but sometimes I struggle with depression and anxiety.
My brain isn’t always well; there I said it. I don’t know what came first, my trauma or my natural inclination toward these emotions. I’m at a point that I’m not really sure it matters anymore, it just is.
This coming year will be full of major trials; although most of them will be a product of my own thoughts. I am facing a lot of firsts; the raw number of new situations that will come my way are enough to induce near panic. On the inside. I will be sitting with clients as my mind races to find calm, leading a ministry as I fight feelings of inadequacies, reaching deep into the hearts of wounded teens as I struggle through my own pain, discipling my children while trying to figure out how the HELL this is supposed to work. Everything…EVERY.single.THING…will call into question my ability to cope and feel well. It doesn’t matter that others believe in me, today I’m having a hard time believing in myself.
I will question my motives, my abilities, my words. I will question the very person I have agreed to be (in public). A fear-fueled force threatens to shake my bones.
This person I have created to be my public persona has been told she is intelligent, captivating, earnest, capable. Are you speaking truth into my soul, or have I fooled you too? Because. It doesn’t match the quivering, scared person inside who wonders if any one can see past this thing that might be a facade. I’m not really sure today which version of me is really me.
But then. I actually think it might be both.
What if both sides are truly me? Are truly you. Who says we have to choose one or the other. Were we not created with all of these emotions to be real? Some of us experience them more completely, that’s true.
Sometimes when she is here, there is something I need to learn and struggle through. Maybe my fear is a reminder of my humanity. Maybe it is just the state of my hormones. The time will come, and it always does, when it’s time to pass off the baton to the other me, though.
When I resurface, there is joy, encouragement, confidence. I remember this: I do hard things. I say hard things. I am resilient. I will be ok.
Resiliency comes in waves. Following through allows strength to lead the way, even when it isn’t possible to feel that [you] can. Sometimes just do, and the baton will get passed from one part of you to the other. Sometimes that’s all it takes to find truth.
Have compassion on yourself first. Strength will return. You can do hard things.