There are things in this life that I want.
Some are circumstances that I want desperately. Others are desires that I want longingly. Still some are just wants that I crave stubbornly.
I have wanted to be noticed. I have wanted to be saved. I have wanted to be wanted.
I have wanted for more, wanted for less.
At times it seems that I might never be satisfied with what is.
I have wanted and asked. I have been denied. I have wanted hidden things and refused to acknowledge the want. I have been angry at yearnings unfulfilled.
There have been gifts of inexplicable contentment.
There have been times of having wanted only to be seen and I have come unhinged at my seeming invisibility.
There have been surprises that have come unbidden.
There has been great confusion when I ask for good things that never come to fruition. I have despised verses like James 4:2-3 “You do not have because you do not ask. When you ask, you do not receive because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures.”
Having found myself in this position more often than I care to recount, I am in the midst of a life changing experience of wanting and asking. This want is a kingdom want, a heart want, a serving want. A type that I have not known before of such purity.
I have wanted to be a great many things over the course of my life, and as I have come into knowing myself more completely I have returned to the want of my childhood: vocational ministry. For those that know my story (Something I think I will be making known here within the coming year), this is a hard want for me to express; such is the shame that has tried to grip my mind.
I have been slowly and quietly making this want known, albeit without actually asking for it lest I be rejected. Recently, I heard a quiet whisper that came and asked me to ask aloud for the desires of my heart. I asked fully in His name and something changed, at once I have come to experience Psalm 37:4 to be true for me.
In this asking of a desire that matches the heart of my Father, I have found equally great contentment, surprising encouragement, and humble tenacity. I guess what the Bible says is true: Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart.